The Fate That Kept Us Together
by NostalgiaAndMelancholy
Summary: It's a secret she's holding tight to her chest (***WARNING: this story has a strong depiction of a miscarriage, mention of blood and the trauma of such an experience. If you find any of this triggering PLEASE DO NOT READ***)
1. Chapter 1

Hi everyone! Yes I realise I should be studying but I can't keep my head from writing (especially since the next chapter of my wip fic has practically written itself and will be up soon). This story...well it was actually written over a year ago. It's quite a small fic and it is finished. It does deal with a rather strong subject which I completely understand some people would not enjoy and therefore I am leaving plenty of warnings. I also know there are probably quite a few things that are incorrect in how they would normally work in real life but I have taken literary liberties. Other than that, I hope it's well written and...may just maybe some of you may like it...I'm sorry ahead of time!

 *****WARNING: If issues of miscarriage, blood and the trauma of that are triggering PLEASE DO NOT READ*****

* * *

 _"_ _Morning beautiful," Harm spoke over the vehicle's bluetooth as he drove through the streets of Washington._

"Hmm morning," Mac's voice on the other hand was nothing but a hoarse whisper laced with the remnants of sleep.

 _"_ _Did I wake you?" his voice amused_

Twisting in bed under the sheets she turned onto her right holding the phone to her left ear; "Yeah…" her voice hinting at the smile that was slowly rearing along her lips.

 _Harm smirked at the thought of his wife lying in bed wearing nothing more than her underwear…if at all!_

 _"_ _Wish I was there…" he whispered._

"Wish you were here," she smiled now much more alert.

 _It had been a long 10 days away from his wife and he still had 3 or 4 days to go depending on how today panned out. As captain he would not ordinarily be called back to the States to aid in a case over 10 years old. However the people in question were names in high places. Therefore the navy held nothing back and called upon those involved on the original case, which unfortunately included him._

"I miss you," she whispered.

As a couple they were perfectly capable of functioning independently…but after all their years and the long and difficult history behind them…well being apart just didn't feel right anymore. They had tried to sort her work schedule around his trip. She had so desperately wanted to travel with him and see all their friends back in the U.S, but unfortunately it simply wouldn't work. Therefore he was under a married oath that he would return to her as soon as possible.

 _"_ _I miss you too darling. I'm really trying to wrap this up as quickly as possible. I promise."_

"I know. You do what you have to do," she smiled knowing her amazing husband was simply out there saving the world one court case at a time.

"Ah!" she whispered and cringed as she turned on her back and placed her free hand over her lower abdomen.

 _"_ _You ok?" he asked quickly having heard her soft pained moan._

With eyes tightly shut and breathing heavily through the pain she replied; "Yeah," taking a deep breath; "Yeah…I think I'm getting my period that's all. Just cramps"

She was all too used to this…not something one should ever become accustomed to. And yet here she was living with this debilitating pain month after month.

Her initial surgery had momentarily put a damper on the pain, but soon enough her period "cramps" returned, only stronger.

And she hated it! Absolutely hated her body for betraying her in such a horrible way. For putting her through this agony month in month out. And all for what? For nothing! There was no gain in this pain. No recompense in the end and nothing to show for it. The one gift every woman should have, had been ripped away from her. Now her monthly periods were simply a bitter reminder of what she couldn't have.

 _"_ _Wish I was there. Give you a backrub," his voice worried and sincere._

 _Harm had witnessed first hand as his wife suffered month after month. He had stood by feeling utterly useless and worst of all frustrated. He knew his wife all too well. He knew how strong she was both physically and mentally. Which made watching her writhe in agonizing pain all the more horrific. He had watched her in anguish as she threw up – the pain becoming too much for her body to withstand._

 _He hated it! He hated destiny or fate or life or whatever it was that had given her such a burden to carry. It was not fair! She of all people deserved so much better than this!_

 _"_ _Are you gonna be ok?" he asked seriously._

"I'll be fine. Don't worry."

 _"_ _Are you sure?" he reiterated_

"Yes. I'll be f…" she bit down on her lip and held her breath as another strong "cramp" gripped her. Turning to her side now she really needed to go to the bathroom. "Sweetheart. I have to go to the bathroom. I'll call you back later."

 _"_ _Sure. Sure. And please, please call me if you need anything," he said firmly._

"Yes. I'll be fine," as she raised herself to a sitting position. "I love you," she whispered.

 _"_ _I love you too."_

Leaving the phone on the bed she quickly made her way to the en suite fearing she was already making a mess. Once there however, she found she was only experiencing the pain but her period had not yet started. So heading over to the sink she reached down into one of the bottom drawers for a tampon. It was on her way up that she screamed and folded over gripping the sink as she felt a gut-wrenching pain tearing up her abdomen and leaving her breathless.

This wasn't a cramp.

This pain was unlike anything she'd ever felt before.

She tried to control her breathing. She tried to straighten back up but this pain was only intensifying until she felt yet another sharp shooting pain that soon enough had her down on her knees, her hands tight fists against the floor and her eyes tightly shut. Tears quickly formed and fell as she felt yet another searing pain dragging another scream out of her. She was trembling. Cold beads of sweat forming on her skin.

On hands and knees she began to plead. To anyone who would listen…she pleaded. _Please stop! Please!_ Her body swaying between sobs.

Between heavy labored breaths, teeth clamped together and shaking hands she slowly, slowly brought herself up to a sitting position where she finally saw it.

So much of it.

Everything. Her underwear. Her thighs. The bathroom mat once white…was now soaked in scarlet red.

And she was terrified.

"Wha…" she whispered still gripping her abdomen as she put one trembling and bloodied hand on the ground to support herself and used the last breath of strength left in her to almost tear off her underwear. Watching in horror, her hand reached between her legs. Her vision blurred and her heart beating painfully in her ears.

"No…" she whispered.

Finally crumbling to floor onto her right side, her legs folded up against her stomach and her face hidden behind her forearms…she cried. Breaking as she felt her body instinctively begin to push.

And she knew. She just knew.

"No…" she pleaded. "No. No…" she whispered between hot and heavy tears. "No," over and over again. "Please…" her voice shuddering. "Pleas…" a low whisper that only the heavens could have heard.


	2. Chapter 2

"Jen!" Commander Henry Knight popped his head through the door to see Jennifer Coates at her desk. "Do you know if Colonel Rabb was coming in today?"

Jen wanted to know the same thing. "I'm not sure sir."

Henry simply nodded and considered; "I hope she's not just taking the day because her husband is away." His voice had a malicious hint that Jen really didn't like and certainly did not appreciate.

"Colonel Rabb would never do that sir," she replied politely but making a point.

"Uh huh. Can you let me know when she gets in _if_ she gets in," his tone continued to bother Jen but she refused to let it get to her.

"Yes sir I will."

* * *

It hurt to open her eyes. They felt heavy, like the rest of her body. Her head. Her limbs. Everything felt so heavy.

Slowly willing herself back to consciousness she struggled through the light with a pounding headache.

It was all a nightmare. It had to be. She would open her eyes. And she would be back in bed. Back in her husband's arms, where nothing bad ever happened. And everything was fine.

…but her hands…felt dry and stiff…and covered in… _what is that?_ She wondered as she clenched her fists. Her fists. She remembered…with a horrible realization she remembered everything…

…her legs were stiff…her back was wet…and the memory of what had happened hit her with a forced enough to have her gagging where she lay. Her stomach twisted and she feared she was about to be sick.

With eyes red and swollen, she used what was left of her strength to pull herself into a slightly slanted sitting position. Her body ached. Everything just hurt so much.

But nothing hurt as much as what was lying at her feet.

She was trying to make sense of it. Trying to figure out…what to do…but there was nothing. Too afraid to move or even breath, the tears slowly burnt her eyes and blurred her vision. She wanted to look away…but she couldn't. There was almost a self-inflicting agony that came with every second she remained in this position. A pain she quickly convinced herself she deserved. If she couldn't be physically strong enough for her child…she would make it up by punishing herself.

* * *

 _"_ _Doctor O'Sullivan's private rooms, Liz speaking," answered the chirpy voice on the other side._

Mac hated her voice. It was all too happy…'like there's anything to be happy about in this fucked up world!' she thought. Swallowing the lump in her throat, one of many she'd been trying to hold down today, she spoke, her voice soft and raw as the Marine in her was ordering her to keep it together; "Hi. I um…I needed to make an urgent appointment with Dr. O'Sullivan please."

 _"_ _Ok. Sure. The next available I have is…" there was a pause as she searched her calendar. "Actually I have a slot available at 2:30 this afternoon. Would you be able to come?"_

"Yes. Yes. Please book me in."

 _"_ _Sure. Your surname?"_

"Rabb. R. A. Double B. First name Sarah."

 _"_ _There you are," commented Liz though mostly speaking to herself. "Ok so you're all booked in for this afternoon at 2:30pm with Dr. O'Sullivan. We'll see you then!"_

'Thank you."

As she sat on the edge of the bed, the last 4 hours of her life played over in her mind like a horror movie.

Everything she had done since waking up to her agonizing reality, felt like an out-of-body experience. It was like watching herself function mechanically through the motions. Not once had she stopped to think…or even allowed herself to feel. There were things that had to be done…and she had done them.

She had briefly considered calling an ambulance. But that had been hours ago…all that was too late now…and there was nothing they could do. So taking her phone with her, she had sat down on the edge of the bed and booked herself in to see her gynecologist.

With her palms up, her hands lay weakly over her lap. Her eyes were hollow, distant and fixed on the floor. Her breathing was still quite shallow, afraid that if she took too deep of a breath she might break…or begin to bleed again.

She had lost so much blood!

Too much!

She was weak and tired and wanted to sleep. She just wanted to sleep…and make it go away. Her body swayed slightly as she felt herself begin to sink and her eyelids begin to droop. Catching herself in time she closed her eyes and took one deep breath in through her nose and out through her mouth. Opening her eyes she finally blinked and with very slow movements she looked around herself.

As if waking from a trance she suddenly sat a little straighter. Somewhere deep in her subconscious she figured she would clean up once again and dress for her appointment. Gripping the edge of the bed she lifted herself up feeling a wave of dizziness bring her back down. She was simply too weak. Her arms had begun to tremble again. Her teeth were gritted as she tried to keep herself up but it was getting harder and harder to fight the darkness that was closing in on her. But she reminded herself to be stronger than that. So taking another deep breath she stood up this time making it all the way. With small careful steps she found her way around their bedroom until she was ready.

* * *

"Sarah." Her name was called out.

Looking up she attempted the smallest of smiles and slowly made her way to Dr. Katherine O'Sullivan. The older woman took one look at Mac and was immediately worried. Something was terribly wrong.

"Come in," the woman whispered as she gently guided Mac into the consult room and closed the door behind them.

Mac took a seat on one of the two patient chairs at the desk. Katherine, instead of going to her own chair, took the seat next to her patient and whispered; "What happened?"

Mac couldn't look at her. Her arms still trembled with goose bumps. She looked as if she had lost half her weight in only the last few hours. She could feel her eyes begin to sting with the heat of new tears. Keeping her eyes fixed on the desk she began; "I…I think I had a miscarriage…" her voice nothing more than a whisper. She tried to hold them tight but those tears gave way.

Katherine was shocked to say the least but kept her professional face on. She needed to act fast.

"Oh Sarah," she whispered feeling a horrible sense of grief for her. Taking one of Mac's hands in to both of hers she held it tight suddenly giving Mac enough strength to continue.

"I thought it was my period," a tear made her way over her upper lip and into her mouth. "But…"

She had nothing more to say.

"Is Harm at work?" she enquired. There was another person she had a soft spot for. Never had she seen a man as passionately in love and devoted to his wife. He was a charming and extremely handsome man who had been there every step of the way. Which made her wonder why he wasn't here with Mac?

"He's…he's in the States," she whispered.

Katherine physically felt herself deflate a little. Mac could not and should not go through this alone. "Ok," Katherine gathered her thoughts as she took a deep breath. "I'm going to call an ambulance Sarah. You're going straight to King Edwards."

Mac finally looked up at her. Katherine understood her questioning gaze; "We need to check you up completely. We don't know what's happened and I need to make sure everything is ok."

Standing up from her chair she walked around her desk; "I'm cancelling the rest of my day and coming in with you. I'll admit you as an emergency and do a full workup ok." Picking up the phone she got through to reception; "Liz. Can you please call an ambulance for me and contact Andrea at King Edwards. Let her know I have an emergency case coming in. She'll need to set up the room for me…yeah…yes please. Thank you."


	3. Chapter 3

"Sarah. Would you please let us call Harm?" Katherine pleaded once last time.

Mac's reply a firm; "No."

"Anyone else? A friend?"

"Can we please just do this?" Mac begged softly as she felt a tear escape and make its way down the side of her face.

She was prepped for her examination under anesthetic and was now lying flat on the theatre bed. Her eyes focused on the ceiling and nothing else.

Ordinarily Katherine wouldn't use a general anesthetic for something like this. A light sedative would be enough. However the state both physical and psychological that Mac was currently in made her fear that she would not cope with what was about to happen if she had to live through it. Mac had described moment by moment what had happened earlier in the day. To say Katherine was upset for her was an understatement. She now needed to make the rest of this traumatic day as painless and stress-free as possible. At least this she could do for her.

"Ok. But we'll talk more about this when we're finished here."

Mac felt herself begin to drift. Somehow this artificial sleep was the most relaxed she had felt all day. And she welcomed it. Because when she slept she couldn't think.

* * *

"Mac…pick up…pick up, pick up…" Harm whispered into the phone. He'd been trying to speak with her for several hours now with absolutely no luck. At first he brushed it off thinking she was simply in a meeting or had an interview. But the more time went by, the more anxious he was becoming. He had tried her direct line at work along with her mobile number. Nothing. He even tried the house number again. Nothing.

He couldn't quite tell you what it was but he had this horrible heavy feeling in his chest that something was terribly wrong. "Baby…pick up…" _"Hi. You've reached Colonel Rabb. Please leave…"_ "Ughhh!" frustrated he hung up.

The walls of his old apartment suddenly felt way too small.

Getting up from the couch he walked over to the fridge and took out a bottle of water. He was holding off from calling anyone else in case he managed to get a hold of her…but now…he was just worried. Looking through his contacts he found who he was looking; "Jen! Hi. It's me."

 _"_ _Captain? Hello!"_

"Hi. How's everything?"

 _"_ _Good sir. Did you receive my update for yesterday?"_

"Yeah. Yeah I did. Listen can you put me through to Mac?"

 _Jen felt her hand grip the phone a little tighter; "She didn't come in today sir," her voice cautious._

Harm felt himself go cold. 'Oh God…' "What?"

 _"_ _She didn't come in today." Something was very wrong here. She sat up a little straighter and was suddenly on alert. "To be honest I wasn't sure what to do? I thought that perhaps she had the day off and it just wasn't added into the calendar. Is everything ok sir?" trying to get some more information._

Harm rubbed his eyes with his free hand, now evidently worried as he gathered his thoughts. "I've been trying to contact her for a few hours and I can't get a hold of her."

 _"_ _Do you think something is wrong sir?" Jen pushed_

Harm didn't know what to do. Mac would never skip work without a valid reason. But then she _could_ have a reason and he just needed to be patient and wait to see if she would contact him. But why wasn't she picking up the phone!

He let out the breath he'd been holding; "Um…no. No. Listen I might call you back a little bit later."

 _"_ _Yes sir."_

Suddenly there was a beeping in the background that alerted Harm of an incoming call…

* * *

Mac precariously held her mobile to her ear with her right hand having been advised to keep the IV line on her left hand as still as possible. She had also been given a mild painkiller that was starting to wear off. It wasn't to say she was in horrible pain or really any pain at all…but she could certainly feel that odd sensation that something had been done inside of her.

It didn't take her long to wake up after leaving theater. As she was wheeled into recovery where she was promised that Katherine would be back to speak with her.

That was 3 hours ago and she was still waiting. Having asked one of the nurses for her phone she turned it on to find 12 missed calls and 5 messages from Harm.

 _'_ _Hey beautiful. Tried calling you. I'll try again in a bit. Love you xx'_

 _'_ _Darling where are you? I've been trying to call you. Call me xx'_

 _'_ _Mac pick up please. I'm getting a little worried now. What's going on?'_

 _'_ _Mac call me please! Where are you? It's been hours!'_

 _'_ _Where are you? What the hell is going on? Please call me or at least pick up! I'm really worried now. Please!'_

She hadn't wanted to speak to him before the procedure. She couldn't bring herself to speak with him. She didn't want to hear his voice…or rather…she _wanted_ to hear his voice but she knew she would break apart at the sound. She wanted to be wrapped in his arms. She needed him so much right now. The thought of him brought her back to that low point where she had nothing more in her to give, but the tears that slowly made their way down her cheeks.

 _"_ _Mac!"_

"Hey," her voice a little hushed.

 _"_ _Mac! Where the hell have you been?" Harm felt he could actually breath again. His voice though worried and concerned had an edge of agitation and even perhaps a little irritation. "I've been calling for hours!"_

His tone and demand brought fresh tears to her eyes. And she suddenly felt a wave of anger and resentment wash over her. She was angry at him! She wanted to yell at him and demand that he return home! She hated him for not having been there! Why wasn't he there when she needed him the most!

But just as quickly as she felt herself rile up…she immediately sank low. She bit down on her tongue and shed the tears in silence instead. She really couldn't blame him could she? Not at all. This was all her fault after all, she reminded herself.

 _The pause was too long for comfort. Something was wrong. Losing the full steam he had, he let out a long breath; "What's wrong sweetheart? Where are you?"_

She swallowed painfully and made sure her voice was even before; "I'm at home. I'm sorry I worried you. I really am."

 _"_ _What happened? Why weren't you picking up?"_

"I'm so sorry. You remember how I said this morning…" she took a deep breath. "That I was getting my period…I just," she swallowed through her dry mouth. "I got a massive migraine and took some pretty strong pain killers. Must have knocked me out completely…" aiming for humor even though it didn't reach her voice.

 _"_ _Should I come home?" His concern evident. He wanted to be with her._

"There's nothing you can do Harm." Because really there wasn't anything anyone could do…not anymore as one solitary tear slipped down her right cheek.

 _Harm hesitated a little. There was something in her voice that just didn't feel right. He let out a short sigh; "Are you feeling a bit better now?" he asked diverting a little._

"Yeah," she lied. "Yeah. I'm fine." Swallowing heavily; "I just miss you…really, really miss you…"


	4. Chapter 4

Eventually Katherine did make it back to Mac's room. She had explained everything carefully, from what she had done during the procedure to what would happen from here on. Mac was to go back on the pill and would need to refrain from any intercourse for at least 2 weeks to make sure everything had properly healed. These instructions would be otherwise easy to follow if Harm knew about the situation.

Katherine would have understood if Mac had been apprehensive about these instructions…that would be if Mac had in fact been listening to her. But there wasn't much use. She was paying little to no attention drifting instead between what she was feeling and thinking of Harm.

She had spent the night at the hospital, mostly for Katherine's piece of mind, and was discharged the following morning. Which is how Mac now found herself taking slow steps from the garage and back into the house. The silence of the house an absolute gift to her, against the pounding headache that was making her whole body ache.

She knew she had to call the office so making her way up to the kitchen she filled a glass with water and then walked straight back to their bedroom. Pulling her phone out she dialed.

"Morning Jen."

 _"_ _Ma'am!" Surprised but all too happy and relieved to finally hear from her. "Good morning."_

Clearing her throat Sarah continued; "Listen Jen I was um…going to call in sick yesterday but it completely ran away from me."

 _"_ _That's alright ma'am. The captain called after he'd spoken with you. He said you would likely be away today too so I took the liberty in making arrangements to your schedule for today."_

If Mac had been in a better state of mind she would have smiled with pride at Jen's thorough efficiency. She really was one immense addition to the London team.

"Thank you so much Jen," was all she could bring herself to say. She wanted to end the call quickly. She wanted to drift off to sleep. With a long and heavy sigh she added; "I'll be in bright and early tomorrow."

 _"_ _Yes ma'am." Jen wasn't convinced that all was well so before giving her senior enough chance to hang up she quickly spoke again; "Ma'am, is everything ok? Is there anything I can do for you?" her voice honest and concerned._

Mac took in a deep breath. She appreciated the offer but today really was not the day. "Thank you Jen but I'm ok. You just make sure the office runs as smoothly as possible please."

 _"_ _Will do ma'am."_

"Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow."

And with that she hung up the call and lowering herself back onto the bed she reached for the sheets and pulled them up and tight around herself. The painkillers were not helping with the headache and she felt herself begin to be sick in the stomach.

Taking deep and measured breaths she tried to close her eyes and drift off to sleep…but she couldn't. Her mind was running too fast. Her memories of yesterday morning too vivid. She closed her eyes tightly willing them away but it was no use. Her tears came on strong and her body shook with the strength of these emotions.

* * *

With ears pricked Mac was startled out of a fitful sleep by the sound of a ringing phone.

Swallowing through a dry mouth and licking her lips she lifted her head just enough to pick up the phone from the charger.

"Hello?" her voice nothing more than a groggy whisper.

 _"_ _Hey darling," Harm whispered. This wasn't good. Mac would never be in bed and asleep at 1pm unless she was terribly ill. "I hadn't heard from you." He continued as he tried to lighten his own tone. "How are you?"_

Mac was only beginning to register his voice. Her head still heavy and tired. "I'm ok. Just um…tired…" she licked her lips again feeling the dry cracks across them.

 _Harm was definitely not buying it. Her few words and long pauses only strengthened his worry. "I called your mobile this morning. Was it switched off?" he asked innocently enough._

"Um yeah. Yeah. I just um…had a headache again and just wanted silence." All of that was true. Clearing her throat she tried to make normal of this conversation feeling his apprehension over the phone. The last thing she needed right now was more questions. Not now. "How are you?"

 _Well that was an obvious diversion if Harm had ever heard one but he would go along with it…for the moment; "Good yeah. Um that's actually another reason why I wanted to speak with you. Things started moving rather quickly last night and I've been given the all clear to head back!"_

Mac wanted to smile. She knew she was expected to be happy and she was…but what was Harm going to come home to? Could she face him right now? So her flashing moment of joy immediately turned to fear. "That's great. That's really good. When are you flying back?"

 _Harm felt a slight pang in his heart at her insincerity. There was something forced in her voice which genuinely threw him off. Something was wrong but he couldn't even begin to imagine what. He pushed through anyway despite the air shifting between them to a more somber one. "Um. I booked my flight for Thursday morning. It's the earliest they had."_

Two days away. "Ok. Just um text me your flight details so I can pick you up."

 _"_ _Oh that's fine. I'll catch a taxi home."_

She knew him well enough to hear the heavily veiled anger in his voice. 'Great. You're upset. Let's make this about you' she thought. "Harm. I'm picking you up," her voice a little louder and with more intent. "Just send me the details…please."

There was silence over the line, which felt to her like Harm was contemplating.

* * *

"Please," she reiterated.

She had spent the last few hours working herself up to this moment. Her biggest fear was her reaction when she did finally see him. It was all well and great to take deep breaths and tell herself to keep her tears and fears at bay…but that was merely prep work.

Parking the SUV she made her way to international arrivals. She had had some pain earlier this morning but the painkiller had kicked in and was now feeling better. However there was a caution in her slow steps taking her time to get anywhere.

And finding somewhere to seat she waited…and thought.

Her eyes distant and sad. Her posture low and her shoulders hunched. This was not the usual marine. Nowhere near.

Which was exactly what he saw as he stopped luggage in hand. He had spotted her almost as he had exited the gate. There was something about her that would always draw him to her. And the sight he found was not the woman he had left behind. There was something so wrong about this. But what?

Frowning he took a deep breath and continued, smile on his face as he attempted to make light. He was so desperate to hug her and kiss her and tell her how much he loved her.

"Hello marine!"

Blinking away her thoughts she looked up to find her husband smiling back at her. That smile. The one that made everything bad go away. The one she desperately needed.

She was not going to cry but she needed to feel him, which is why she immediately stood and wrapped her arms around his neck…desperately. Her breathing was heavy against his neck but still she refused to let those tears rear.

Harm let go of his bag and wrapped his arms tight around her. Taking a deep breath against her hair he took in that beautiful smell that was only hers. He felt he was home when he was with her and he didn't know what that felt like until he had been away from her.

He gave her strength which is what she needed right now.

"I missed you," she whispered.

Closing his eyes he felt something so strong in his chest. What was going on?

"I missed you too. I love you."

Pulling away just enough to try and see her face she avoided his eyes and looked straight at his chest instead. He didn't give it up though and searched for her eyes by lowering his head just enough that she was forced to look at him.

There was something there. Something in her eyes…had changed.

Cupping her face with his right hand he lowered his lips to hers. It was a mere touch. That's all he wanted. To touch her lips with his.

"Lets go home," he whispered.

She simply nodded.

* * *

Harm was tired enough that he had drifted into a light sleep on the drive home which to Mac was heaven sent. She knew Harm was perceptive. Her behavior at the airport would have already raised flags in his head. She hadn't meant to. She told herself she was stronger than that…but seeing him…suddenly standing before her…after what had just happened…it was all too much.

Turning her eyes to him at a red light she watched him sleep. He looked tired. Haggard. But even so…he was so handsome. The most handsome man she had ever known. And he was hers. But for how much longer? Would he leave her one day? Would he get tired of her anxieties and her moods? Being friends for 9 years is one thing…but being married.

Most importantly would he eventually learn to hate her for taking away from him the one thing he so desperately wanted; children.

He deserved to be a father. He would be a wonderful father! The best! And here she was…recovering from having just lost his child.

 _Their child_.

Those words bounced around in her head with the gentleness of a ricocheting bullet. Feeling the taste of them in her mouth she had said those words out loud in the darkness of their bedroom in the silence of the night. And it made it real.

It could have been so perfect. It would have been so perfect! Their child...

It was real and it had happened. They had won with a 4% chance! They were having a baby, she had actually been pregnant…and now it was gone! Their most desperately wanted child…was gone. They didn't get a chance to know it. They didn't even get a chance to know it was there. And that right there filled her with so much rage!

'It was a boy' she thought utterly convinced as she gripped the stirring wheel. She just felt it so. She felt it in every part of her. 'And he was perfect' as she watched Harm breath in and out quietly…"Just like you," she finally whispered. The lights along the street suddenly blurring in her vision as she felt her eyes well up.

A beep from the vehicle behind brought her back to the present and taking a deep breath she swallowed her tears and her anger and drove on.

* * *

Harm was not asleep. He had heard her. He had seen the tears out of the corner of his eyes when she wasn't watching.

 _'_ _Just like you'_

What did that mean? What was going on? She looked so terribly upset that it genuinely tore at him. And yet despite himself he thought it best to give her silence and peace. Let her believe he was asleep whilst she worked through whatever it was that was clearly eating away at her.

But he needed to get to the bottom of this!


	5. Chapter 5

"Do you want something to eat?" she asked quietly as they made their way to the kitchen.

"No. Just thirsty."

Reaching for a glass she went to the tap and was filling it up when she felt his lips against the skin of her neck, his body pressed against her back and his hands possessively low on her hips.

The fact that she seemed to flinch away from him as if burnt didn't go unnoticed by him but she remained in her spot.

"Should we go upstairs?" he whispered against her ear. His voice dipped in desire.

She wanted to run but her body as always immediately reacted to him. She felt fire burning on her skin and wanted nothing more than be his over and over again. But she knew she couldn't.

Turning in his arms she looked almost shyly at him; "You're tired Harm. And I really should go to work. I've been away too many days and I am so behind schedule." Her voice gaining a formal tone that indicated no argument would sway her.

But he gave it a go anyway; "Since when do lawyers punch in?" he attempted humor which gained him a smile from her however small. So he continued; "Besides…you're already sleeping with boss," he gave her that cheeky smile he reserved only for her and winked as he leaned in again and began placing hot kisses against her neck.

Her breathing was altered as she felt his hands begin to move under her uniform.

But she had enough strength and presence of mind still to stop him on the spot. She placed her hands over his, stopping his actions immediately and furthermore she pulled his hands away.

There was something about this one small action that…hurt him and confused him. He wanted to be with her and he thought she would want the same. He could see in her eyes she was reacting to him. He knew her body too well by now. But she was not giving in to this sensation.

And then it looked as if something had dawned on him. He blinked as if he had finally recalled something; "I'm so sorry," he pulled her gently back towards him.

Now it was Mac's turn to be confused. What was he sorry about? He didn't know anything.

"I haven't even asked how you're feeling," he let out a long breath. "I'm so sorry." He ran his hands over his face frustrated with himself. "It's just…I don't know…it was the first time we've been apart for this long since we got married and it just…I just wanted to get back to you and…God I'm so sorry." He was so embarrassed and upset with himself.

And she asked herself how it was that she was holding her ground as she watched him blame himself for something that wasn't even a problem. It wasn't _the_ problem.

"How are you feeling? Do you still have your period?"

His sudden and rather intense concern only made her panic on the spot.

'It wasn't my period Harm!' she wanted to scream! 'It was our child!'

But nothing was coming out only the feeling of tears that suddenly prickled at the edges of her eyes. She bit down on her lower lip and looked away.

"Is it still hurting?" he asked searching her eyes as he watched her struggle for words. "God you must be in so much pain darling. I am so so sorry!" this time he pulled her all the way into his arms and held her tight.

'God!' she prayed. 'Oh God…'

Pulling her away just enough to see her; "You don't have to go in today." He gently removed a hair that was out of place. "I'm giving you the day off. Please. Lets just take you back to bed. We'll get you a painkiller and I'll give you that backrub I promised."

'Why are you being so perfect?' she asked herself as her tears began to flow freely. 'Why are you so perfect?'

Leaning back into him her breath felt hot against his neck. She needed to feel him close. Feel him there.

"Come on. Lets take you upstairs." He gently tried to direct her towards the stairs but she suddenly halted.

No. She didn't want to be near him. In fact…she didn't want to be in that room with him. Not right now.

"No." She swallowed. Her lips now dry. Avoiding his eyes she continued. "No. It's um…it's ok. I really…should go to work."

"Sarah," beginning to get a little riled. "Your health is more important to me than anything. I am ordering you to stay home."

Mac afforded him 'that' look. The one she gave him when he tried to 'order' her to do something knowing full well that he could never really 'order' her to do anything unless it was work related.

Using this moment of light banter, she stepped right out of his hold and wiped her eyes rather harshly; "Harm. I really have to go." Clearing her throat she quickly grabbed her keys from the kitchen island where she'd left them. "And you should get some rest." She took a quick step forward and gave him the lightest and quickest of pecks against his lips before turning to leave the kitchen. But stopping at the door she added; "I'll probably be working quite late so don't wait up." And with that she turned and left.

Harm remained grounded in his spot as he heard the door leading to the garage close and lock.

* * *

Harm had been caught so off guard by Mac's behavior that afternoon. He never expected her to just up and leave the moment he got home. And it was not because she had too much work. It was as if she had literally ran away from him.

He had spent the afternoon unpacking and doing his washing. While he waited for that to finish he had taken a nap in the living room and surprisingly felt much more refreshed and alert after only 30 minutes. With his clothes now drying he began to… _pace_ the house. The place was spotless so there wasn't even any kind of cleaning he could do.

He pulled out his laptop and checked his emails. He wasn't expected at work until tomorrow. There were several emails he could answer on the spot but those that required a little more work he simply ignored for the moment. That being done he closed his laptop and began to…well wander around the house yet again.

He was bored. Plain and simple. Bored.

He didn't expect his first night back to be like this. He had pictured a nice quiet dinner. Then maybe some dessert and then a night of passionate lovemaking with his wife…which as he had later remembered, wouldn't have happened anyway. But still he would have been just as thrilled to simply lie in bed tucked away with her…

But instead he was home alone whilst his wife was at work.

So making up his mind he figured if the mountain didn't come to him…he would have to go to the mountain. If he couldn't make the pain go away, and she was going to be stubborn about work, well then he would try and make her life just a little bit better. So picking up the phone he ordered from her favorite take out and headed out to pick it up on his way to the office.

* * *

Mac had plunged straight into her work. Hours upon hours of work until it was completely dark outside and there was barely a soul in the office. She refused to let her mind wander. She had too much to do she told herself over and over again.

With her eyes fixed on her screen she was surprised to hear a knock at her door before watching it slowly open.

"Harm." 'What is he doing here?' she wondered

"Hey," he whispered as he closed the door behind him. The lamp on her desk the only light available in the office. He had a paper bag in his hand, which obviously contained some take away boxes. "I figured you wouldn't have eaten anything…and frankly I was bored at home so…maybe we could eat dinner here?" his voice gentle and hopeful but also with a hint of…sadness, which Mac clearly recognized.

She would have insisted she needed to continue and that he should head on home. But his eyes had a sense of loss to them and this afternoon's sparkle was no longer there. She didn't have the heart to hurt him anymore. The fact was she hadn't _meant_ to hurt him. She really hadn't. This was simply about self-preservation.

"Ok." She nodded.

Beaming a smile at her he walked around to the side of her desk as he watched her save her file and put her laptop to sleep. Pushing it to one side she made room for the boxes of food he was lifting out of the bag.

Her favorite of course.

They began to eat out of their boxes in silence. Despite herself she had to admit this was the first time in the last couple of days she had actually felt hungry. She had barely touched any food at home, in fact she was certain there was nothing in their fridge. And right now…this very moment…was perhaps the most content she had been in the last few days.

He ate his food whilst surreptitiously looking at her out of the corner of his eye. She certainly looked a little calmer than she had when he had walked in.

"How's the pain?" he whispered softly as if afraid he would startle her.

Keeping her eyes on her food; "It's fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," taking a bite of food.

He wanted to know for sure but he was clearly not going to get much out of her. And if he kept pushing he knew he would just work her up…so he left it at that.

Mixing his food around a bit; "So have I missed anything exciting?" he kept his voice low almost as if not to disturb the silence of the rest of the office.

She gave a small shrug and swallowed what she was chewing. "Not really." She gave him a small smile. "You'll be proud that Jen ran the shop with a firm hand."

His smile was broad. "I taught her well!"

"Yes. It was all you," she smirked with sarcasm

The moment may have been over but he kept his eyes on her. Watching her. She knew that look. It was the look he gained when he was taking in all of her. The look that made her feel admired and special. Today however…that look was so intense and almost invasive that it was making her feel uncomfortable.

Looking down at her food she began to move her noodles around. Her discomfort noted, he blinked and instead looked towards the bullpen.

"And Knight? What of him?" he sighed.

Harm was tired of the man. He reminded him all too much of Vukovic only tenfold. There was something hostile and bitter in his nature. Not only had the man made it clear he did not agree with an American taking on the Captain billet. He almost refused to accept Mac as part of their team given that they were married. More than once he had to pull him back in line when his actions towards her were just on the line of insubordinate.

Unfortunately for Harm there was no way at this point to get rid of him for good without raising questions. The man had a relatively clean record. His behavior was so borderline that there was no concrete reason to remove him. TAD orders were the closest thing.

Rolling her eyes she shrugged; "He thinks I'm a slacker who uses her connection to you to take days off as I please."

"You _can_ take days off as you please," he shrugged smiling cheekily.

Returning the smile; "Yeah. Lets give him something to really complain about."

Her right hand was holding her fork motionless and loosely over her food that was by now cold and forgotten. Feeling the urge he placed his hand over hers and gently rubbed his thumb over her skin. She had tensed only slightly at his touch but slowly relaxed to the feel.

'What's going on?' he wondered. "Mac," he whispered.

Looking down at their hands she felt her chest tighten.

"Mac," he repeated, gently turning her hand over in his and holding it tighter.

Finally looking up at him he saw such a dark sadness in her eyes that he almost didn't recognize those chocolate brown eyes that he loved so much.

"Mac, what's wrong?" he finally asked cupping her face with his left hand. "I know you're not feeling great but…" he made his point. "Is there something else? Did something happen while I was gone?"

She felt her chest rise and fall quickly. Looking at him…his eyes so intense and deep. So kind and gentle and so terribly innocent. And this hurt so much…that it was all at the tip of her tongue. Everything was bubbling and she needed to tell him. Needed to let him in.

It was _his_ child.

 _Their_ child…there it was again.

But no. She wasn't strong enough. This could be the one thing that could finally come between them…and she couldn't possibly lose him.

"Nothing." She swallowed. "Nothing."


	6. Chapter 6

It had been three weeks since he had returned and their life had regained its usual routine.

 _But nothing was the same_.

He could almost see a distance…a falling gap between them that he didn't understand.

On the one hand she was quiet where she hadn't been before. She seemed to sink deep into her thoughts for what felt like hours at a time. Her body drifted lightly through her motions day in day out…but it felt to Harm as if she had lost that purpose, determination and strength with which she had always carried herself. On the other hand she seemed to flair up in anger and frustration rather suddenly and unexpectedly over things she never previously would have batted an eye at.

Worryingly three times in the last two days she had been reprimanded by the judge presiding her current case for her behavior inside the court room. Once for apparently losing her concentration so much so that she had asked for a recess when they had only just started. And twice for completely losing her temper with the accused, _her_ client.

At home once in their own little private world he had more than once tried to initiate intimate moments between them which all ended in frustration…one excuse after another. Her kisses were now gentle but there was no fervor to them. Her touches were light and vague at best. Her hands drifting over him as if over air.

Her once healthy appetite and source of so many of his jokes had diminished to almost nothing. He could see her losing weight right before his eyes. Her face was drawn and her hands looked brittle.

And the nights…were full of nightmares. He was woken more than once by her shaking and trembling figure. Sweat breaking through her skin as he pulled her out of the depths and back into consciousness.

But what hurt him the most was her sadness. She was simply…so sad. Her eyes were dark and lost. Glossy with tears when she thought he wasn't looking. She cried at night when she thought he was asleep. She cried in the shower when she thought he couldn't hear.

He was terrified…because he was losing her…and he didn't even know why!

But it was not just him. It was everyone…and everything.

He didn't know whether she was aware of her behavior. He didn't know if she realized how this was affecting them. As husband and wife. As friends. As lovers.

'Does she not realize what this is doing to us?' he wondered as he sat at his desk one day.

He knew she was hiding something…a secret of some kind…but what? Where had their trust gone and where was all this leading them? Was she going to push him far enough that he would eventually snap.

Perhaps that's exactly what it would take.

* * *

Winter had well and truly set in as she walked through the wet grass and crispy fog that danced over the shrubs and tress along her way. It was three twenty in the morning. A fact that made no difference to her at all for a third night in a row. This would have been an otherwise beautiful sight had she been at all interested…but she only had one thought in mind.

She couldn't sleep. For days now she couldn't close her eyes without fearing her nightmares. Bloodied and painful ones. Images of her child. Of Harm. Her mind was unforgiving…and it was driving her to distraction. What's worse it was the one thing she couldn't control and she no longer trusted herself.

So following the path she now knew too well she made it to that spot. The one nicely tucked away behind the large oak tree that sat at the very back of their backyard. The scent of wood drifted in the air and filled her lungs as she knelt down over the wet soil.

There were no tears tonight.

Just guilt.

* * *

From the upstairs window…Harm had watched her make the same walk three nights in a row now. Down the path, between the shrubs and behind the trees…until he couldn't make her out anymore.

'Where are you going?'

* * *

"I'm off," she stated quickly as she walked around the bed whilst strapping her watch on.

She was dressed and ready. He was dressed and _almost_ ready.

"I'm almost finished," working on his cufflinks as he stepped out of the en suite. "Give me a minute. We'll head in together."

"I have to run Harm. I'm meeting a client. I'll see you there," she walked past him and placed a light and fleeting kiss on his lips.

He had no time to react to the kiss but enough to grab her arm and stop her. She was surprised by his action and looked at him questioningly. His eyes looked at her as he did a puzzle. He needed to understand.

But instead of asking any questions, he cupped her face with his other hand and took the small step he needed to be right up in front of her. Lowering his head he kissed her. A kiss she didn't immediately react to. In fact she had stood motionless for half a second until she felt that deep desire within her. That _need_ to have him.

And what began as a gentle kiss and merely as a need to feel her close to him, was gaining strength and heat. He needed to taste her…as he began to drive a little deeper. His tongue parting her lips as he let go of her, instead wrapped his arm around her waist pulling her tightly against him. His other hand moving to the back of her neck as their tongues wrestled sending sparks through their bodies. His erection evident against her abdomen.

She could do this now. She desperately wanted to do this now. Her two week restriction was over.

But she _couldn't_ do this.

Their lips parted for air. His voice hoarse and deep as he whispered against her lips; "I need you." Before possessing her lips again. His hands began to work on her uniform. Working rather quickly. Too quick for her.

Pulling her lips away she begged through heavy breaths; "Stop. Harm stop."

But his lips covered hers yet again. Her shirt buttons mostly undone by now as he molded her body with his. She shivered as she felt his hands run along her waist. Her resolution was weakening as she felt that amazing burn between her legs. She needed him but more than that she _wanted_ him. She had kept him at arms length for the last thee weeks with excuses only he could forgive. Perhaps she could…do this…

But a voice in her head panicked as her body began to shake in his arms. Not brought on by passion but by…fear. What was wrong with her? Why was she afraid of this? Why?

Slowly he had walked them back towards the bed. Her knees buckled as they hit the edge of the bed and he slowly lowered her down. Lying flat with him firmly on top of her, his right hand began to gently run between her legs as he alternated between biting and sucking along her neck.

She shut her eyes tightly wishing these thoughts away. Why was she scared?

Her breathing quickened feeling that not enough air was reaching her lungs. His body was pressing down on her and it felt too heavy. 'Stop!' she begged…but nothing was coming out. It was only until her instinct of fight or flight kicked in that she finally pushed him away with as much force as she could muster. "Stop!" A broken plead through closed eyes. "Please…stop!"

He immediately pulled himself away from her. "Did I hurt you?" he asked truly concerned. But she didn't look at him. In fact her eyes were closed. Her eyelashes wet from the tears that were welling at the sides.

"Hey," he whispered urgently as he lifted himself completely off her and pulling her gently by her arms he brought her up into a sitting position. With her legs hanging off the bed he knelt with both legs on either side of hers.

"Mac," he pleaded as he took her face into his hands. "Look at me." His worry evident in his voice. His own panic shining through. "Sarah…" he whispered. "Please tell me what's wrong?"

Her eyes remained shut but her cries gained strength. Her body began to shake as her shoulders sank and her head fell low.

"Sarah…baby please…." His thoughts running wild and fearing all the worst scenarios.

Lifting the back of her hand to her eyes, she tried to rub the tears away but was too weak; "I can't…" her voice so low and fractured he had barely heard it. "I can't…do this…" her voice almost an imploration.

She was a child again. She was back in that old rickety house, hiding in that small closet. Crying louder and louder to drown out the sound of shouting and breaking glass.

"Sarah," Harm insisted as he visibly saw her retract further and further away. He had to bring her back; "Sarah!" he finally commanded. Not loud but certainly firmly.

Her hands dropped to her lap limply in a sign of resignation. She gave up the fight. As her eyes finally opened a slit, just enough to see blurs of light, she could feel the words forming in her mouth. Her chest aching and not _just_ from the physical exertion. Everything she'd been keeping close to her chest was bubbling up. She kept her head down watching her hands move together nervously.

'Please don't leave me,' was the last thing she thought before she whispered; "I lost a baby."

The words felt like cold water down his back. His hands lost the strength with which he had been holding her. His mind utterly blank as he tried to process the words; "What?" His voice barely a whisper.

"I lo…" Mac's voice broke completely before continuing almost desperate to get the words out; "I lost a baby." Her chest began to heave as she struggled for air and her tears turned to sobs that shook her violently. Bringing her hands up to her face she felt like hiding her shame and guilt.

Harm looked down feeling a tightness around his throat. His eyes now burning with tears.

 _A child_

They were going to have a child…

Looking up at her he took her into his arms almost crushing her against him. Her body shaking against his chest. Her cries muffled against his neck. He gripped onto her for dear life…as he cried with her.

And although his heart was hurting he needed to know. Through gritted teeth he pleaded into her hair; "How?"

He needed to know. He needed to know all of it. When? How did it happen? And why hadn't he been there? She needed him and he hadn't been there?

'God!' an angry demand to the heavens.

Pulling away just enough he tried to find her eyes but they were hidden from him.

He begged again. His voice that of a broken man who had just lost a part of him he didn't know he had. "How?"

Mac tried her hardest to regain some control. She wanted to tell him everything. She was ready to tell him everything.


	7. Chapter 7

Keeping her gaze down low she licked her dry lips and swallowed before taking the short breaths that her chest allowed her to. Her eyes remaining wet with tears she simply had no control over.

"The morning I spoke with you…when I thought I was…getting my period…" she paused to breath. "I went into the bathroom thinking…" she swallowed; "thinking I was already bleeding." She took a few breaths. "When I went in there…I got these…these…" she moved her hands as if trying to explain; "horrible pains." She was struggling as her chest began to rise and fall heavily. Her words now mostly broken but coming on faster and faster as if desperate to get them out; "it was nothing like I've ever felt before…it was…something was…tearing…" her lips now wet with her own tears. "Tearing inside…" saying the words out loud brought on vivid images of that day. Her eyes losing all sense of presence, looking more and more distant as she painted that picture all over again. The pain and sheer panic of that day resurfaced as her hands began to tremble and her words came out as forceful gasps; "I couldn't keep it in!...I couldn't keep it in and I just…I had to…" her own anger pushing through. "I had to push it out! I couldn't keep it in!…and I'm so so sor…." She couldn't finish. She just couldn't anymore. She had no strength left in her as she let herself break once more.

Taking her back into his arms Harm didn't know how much more he could listen to. He was losing her to this and he couldn't bear the sight. Why couldn't he stop this?! Why hadn't he stopped this?! It all seemed…so horrific it couldn't possibly be true. Their child had died right in their bathroom. Right in her hands. And he wasn't there. She had lived through this horror all on her own and he hadn't been there. He hadn't been there to save their child. He hadn't been there to keep his wife safe. Why hadn't he been there!

"I'm so sorry…" she pleaded over and over again, her voice raw from crying.

He had to stop this! This wasn't her fault. Just stop!

"Stop. Stop!" his voice firm as he tried to control the situation and his own anger, not at her but at himself! He was so angry with himself. He swore at the foot of the altar to protect her and he hadn't. He let her down. He let their child down. Maybe if he had been here? He could have gotten her to the hospital! He could have saved their child! And this wouldn't be happening. Not to them! Why was this happening to them?! To her!

Pulling her away again he cupped her face with both hands looking straight into her eyes making his point firm; "Stop!" His own eyes red and hot. His face streaked with tears.

Her eyes looked straight at his.

"Stop! This isn't…your fault…ok?" he demanded. "It's not your fault!"

"I couldn't save him…" she was distraught. Her eyes said it all as she shook her head painfully. "I couldn't save him…"

He didn't miss the 'him' in her words. _Him_.

She had more to say and his eyes were suddenly giving her the strength. Running the back of her hand under her nose, she thought perhaps the worst of it was over as she regained some composure. "I…I must have passed out because I woke up and…it was all over…it was…the pain was…gone…" she paused to think turning her eyes away from him. "But…" her eyes seem to wander again somewhere distant. "I didn't…know what to…what to do with it."

He stopped.

 _Where was it?_

"What did you do with it?" he sighed sadly. Where was their baby?

She hesitated before; "I buried it."

He processed those words before asking; "Show me. Please."

* * *

Making that dreaded walk with him, she led him through the path she had inadvertently dug into the ground. Had he been more curious and had he known what he was looking for, he probably could have made his own way down here. The heavy storm from the previous night had left everything damp and muddy. And yet there was something almost spiritual about walking through wet shrubs and thick soil.

They were headed for the oak tree.

His favorite place in the house.

The grand old and solitary tree had basically sold the house to them. It was strong and tall and felt…so alive! With its dark green shade filling the landscape all year round. And it seemed to… _watch_ over them from the day they moved in…giving Harm an odd sense of peace.

He had stood and simply watched the tree one more than one occasion and had always felt…close to nature. Close to something higher and mightier…something he couldn't quite ever put his finger on. The tree seemed to hold secrets of centuries gone by…and now it held one more. It now held in its bosom a little life that never was. And it would be safe there.

Reaching the oak tree, Sarah walked around to the back…but Harm hesitated and stopped. He felt his chest tighten and his hands clenched as the painful reality of all this suddenly enveloped him. It was one thing to hear her tell the details of what had happened…it was another to see it.

Sensing that Harm had stopped she turned to find him staring at the ground, his eyes unreadable. Scared of this sudden change in him, she bit down on her lip and holding back the tears that were welling in her eyes she tried to set his mind at ease; "It's in a little…box. Very deep in the ground," she explained. But he remained still and silent which broke her heart as she whispered; "You don't have to do this…in fact it's probably best you don't." Her tears falling free and she swallowed the thick sensation in her throat. Walking back she was just about to pass him when he gently held her in place by one arm and looked up at her.

He was sorry. He was so terribly sorry for having doubts. For stopping. For apparently making her feel like this wasn't important to him when it couldn't be further from the truth.

Of course it was! He'd simply had a moment of panic which he now heavily reproached himself for! He had no right to be afraid! She had lived through it all. She had been through this pain and agony on her own. What right had he to feel sorry for himself!

Looking into her eyes he found them sad and lifeless. Their sparkle long gone. And that hurt him down to his core. She was his entire world and he had made her feel like her pain was too much for him. And now he was angry with himself. Why couldn't he stop screwing up! Why couldn't he just fix this! He wanted so desperately to fix all this!

"This is very important to me. _You_ are the most important thing to me," he whispered hoarsely. "Please show me."

She looked straight into his eyes. She needed to know he meant it. She needed to know he understood and he was feeling what she was feeling.

He was.

Slowly turning she made her way back, Harm holding tight onto her hand, interlacing their fingers. Reaching the spot she let go of his hand, the wet seeping through her stockings and the mud staining them as she knelt down on the ground. Sitting on her heels she placed an open palm to indicate the exact spot. Weeks ago there had been a slight elevation right on this spot but the rain had evened out the ground.

Watching her hand gently run over the soil he felt pulled to the ground.

So kneeling beside her, he placed his larger hand over hers.

There were no words needed. There had been enough of that already.

Right now it was just about them holding each other…the three of them.

Wrapping his arms around her, her head resting against his chest, her hair gently blowing across his cheeks. What felt like drizzle when they had stepped out of the house had turned to rain, yet somehow this oak tree only let heavy and intermittent drops fall on them each lost in their own thoughts.


	8. Chapter 8

It had felt like hours but eventually they made their way back in. There was no hurry in their movements as they took small and slow steps through the rain holding each other, not wanting to let go.

Sending her straight to the shower to warm up, Harm had made the call to the office advising that neither of them would be in today or tomorrow. Compassionate leave. Family member. No further details given.

Drying his hair with a towel as he walked into the kitchen, he put the kettle on and began to make some hot chocolate. By the time she was finished, so was he. So leaving her to dress and get started on her coco, he jumped in the shower making quick work in there desperate to get back to her.

Stepping back into the bedroom wearing a t-shirt and an old pair of sweat pants, he found her looking out the window. Her eyes not fixed on anything.

Walking towards her without startling her, he stopped behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. She leaned against his chest for a second before turning around in his arms and wrapping her own arms tightly around him.

There were no more tears. Not for the moment. Mac was simply exhausted now. The run of emotions ending with that warm shower had left her drowsy and sleepy. And now she was in his arms and…she was safe. Nothing more to fear.

Closing her eyes she felt herself begin to drift as she took in that scent that was uniquely his and that seemed to calm her down.

He felt her body begin to sway and her head lean heavily against him.

She needed to rest. He knew she hadn't slept well, or at all, for days now. This was her body recovering from everything and if she wanted to sleep the next two days away well that's exactly what would happen. He would make it happen.

But before he tucked her into bed, he needed to say something. So gently pulling away, watching her eyes gently open, red and tired as they were.

"Promise me something," he began, gently moving a few stray hairs away from her face. "Don't ever hide anything from me again." His voice gentle but firm. He needed to make this point. He knew exactly where her fears were coming from and he needed to make it right; "I'm not going anywhere." And he wasn't. "You're stuck with me for life Sarah Rabb."

Her left hand instinctively gripped onto his shirt. "You're the best thing…that's ever happened to me and…" her voice tightened. "I couldn't bear to lose you." Not after everything life had dealt her.

"And you _wont_. You never will. I never break my promises remember?" he smiled.

She nodded slowly. God she loved this man so much it was almost frightening. If only she knew how much these strong emotions scared Harm just the same. If only there was any way he could put into words exactly how much he loved her. He would never tell her but sometimes he feared his happiness with her would one day be taken away and…he simply wouldn't survive. He couldn't. There was no life without her. There was nothing out there in the world for him if she wasn't by his side.

"I promise," she whispered as she fought to keep her eyes open. "I promise."

* * *

Watching her sleep was one of life's gifts to him. It had been nearly three hours now and as he listened to the rain outside he ran his fingers gently over her hair as she quietly slept against his chest. For the first time in weeks she…looked at ease if not at peace. For now she hadn't struggled through a nightmare. She hadn't broken into a sweat. She had simply placed an arm around his waist and had drifted off to sleep.

It was now his moment to process all this. Recalling their days since his return…and now everything made sense. Never would he have imagined what was happening underneath. _Never_.

He couldn't believe she had lived beside him, slept beside and worked beside him…with this painful secret hanging over her…and him knowing nothing about it. Why did he leave it so late? Why didn't he confront her earlier? Though perhaps it was for the best. She clearly needed the time to put the emotions and words into place. He had perhaps accidently dragged it out of her…but the fact was…she needed to tell him and he needed to know.

Losing a child is painful in any circumstance…but in their particular case…it seemed to burn just that little bit deeper. They had spent nearly two years now actively trying for this child. They had seen the best fertility specialist London had to offer. Had held nothing back and spent as much as they needed to. And he would go further still. He wanted a child with her…but _never_ at her expense.

But losing it before they even had a chance to know it was _there_ …well that was just cruel. Had they known, had _he_ known, he would have made sure she was well taken care of. After so much praying and hoping, they had made it happen…and now it was gone.

Heaven knew how often he had pictured her growing big with their child. It was such a cliché but he had. He had thought about every detail from the most magical to the seemingly standard ones. He had wondered what it would be like to hold her no longer able to fully wrap his arms around her waist. What it would be like to place his hands over her and feel their child move. And then he wondered what her mood would be like? What would she eat? How would she feel? How would she change? But never did he question her ability as a mother. He knew she was the only one he wanted as the mother of his children. Her childhood had taught her the worst of it…and he knew she was determined to be the best.

But what use was there in thinking about this now?

Instead he thought about her current health, both physically and psychologically. He wasn't naïve. He knew this was far from over, much as he wished it were that easy. There was a lot more to this and it wasn't all resolved today simply because it was out in the open. There were likely more nightmares to come. Tears would break. She would break. Her temper would flair and her insecurities would resurface. She would yell at him. Perhaps believe he didn't understand. But he was here and he wasn't going anywhere. It had taken him 9 years to have her…he would wait another 9 just to make sure she made it out of this ok. There was no use denying that this was a defining moment in their lives. But he was determined to make their marriage stronger. Spend more time with her. Hold her a little more, a little longer and a little tighter. To tell her relentlessly just how much he loved her.

And maybe, just maybe, one of these days they would be ok again. And maybe, just maybe, one of these days they could try again.


End file.
